Occupation: Comedian Birth: May 27, 1964
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay..
My first car was a motorcycle..
The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick u….
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus….
Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck..
No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear..
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place..
I am not a good cue card reader..
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity..
Don’t do your best, do my best..
When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself..
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and thi….
California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart..
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?.
I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist..
The very definition of 'beauty' is outside..
My motto is "more mystery, less history"..
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds..
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society..
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes..
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that..