I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was….

When one is undone—sprawled across the cold tile of a public bathroom in a pool of one’s own vomit, or shivering in the back of a taxi in a pair of u….

Omnipresence can be a good or bad thing, I suppose. I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I'm super-grateful..

I have one girlfriend who is dating right now - she's divorced - and she's on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that's not a real game, but it's my f….

I liked comedy, but didn't know it was something you could do for a living. I actually wanted to be an attorney..

Karaoke is the great equalizer..

I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry. I do not actually D….

I love to be busy and be challenged. I'm my happiest when I'm under pressure and almost overwhelmed by how much I have to get done..

I was born in California, raised a vegetarian, and love science fiction, so don't tell me how I need to be in order to fit your standards. When I was….

Real success and accomplishment, at whatever it is you are passionate about, requires real work. Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. A….

You can only really learn from failure ... To win, you need to fail, and fail hard..

When I was young I thought, 'Yeah, people don't see, they're not recognizing how funny I am, and how talented I am'. And the guys that mentored me we….

No one wants to hear about how awesome you were; people want to hear about the time you blew it. So I think the longer you do stand-up, the more comf….

The best advice anybody could have given me was to keep getting up over and over again..

Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough..

When I get old and slow down I want to look behind me and see all the fire and the wreckage and no stone left unturned..

You know, it's about getting out there and having a good time. Not about worrying - all these young books for women are like I'm 29 with a closet ful….

I am absolutely a Giants fan and I'm a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time..

After going through a lot of procedures and spending a lot of money … the doctor said, ‘Look, based on what we’re seeing here, I just don’t think thi….

I love to be busy and be challenged. I'm my happiest when I'm under pressure and almost overwhelmed by how much I have to get done. I wish I could sa….

I like grown up comedy..