Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and th….

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room..

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things..

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when….

10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?.

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality..

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life..

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear..

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes..

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea..

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons..

The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even to….

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happ….

Sadly, as with so much about history's heroes, it's the spotting of potential fame that's the difficulty, whether it's publishing their poems, hangin….

Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a "Wirtschaftswunder," which can be briefly translated as "The best way to own a Mercedes is to….

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it..

English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, pass….

Can anything match that first fine discovery of the telephone and all it stood for? That first realization that, contained within ten simple digits, ….

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?).

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why ….