Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch soci….

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny..

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them..

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor..

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet..

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books..

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer….

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereot….

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers..

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look..

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback..

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'.

Modesty is not one of my virtues..

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced..

I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy..

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living..

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom..

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom..

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night..