Occupation: Actor Birth: December 26, 1927 Death: May 9, 2004
I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor..
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet..
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer….
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books..
It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback..
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers..
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!.
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereot….
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?.
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look..
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someon….
There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'.
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going..
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured ….
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a t….
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced..
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day..
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to surv….
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny..
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life..
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify..