My specialty is detached malevolence..

I live by three rules: I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired and scratch when I itch..

My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening..

I'm the only topless octogenarian in Washington..

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit..

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me..

He sprang from the grass roots of the country clubs of America..

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches..

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development..

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both..

You can't make a souffle rise twice..

You can't make souffle rise twice..

I valued my independence from an early age and was always something of a individualist … Well, a show-off anyway..

People in Washington seem as hypnotized by precedence as though they were hens with their beaks on a chalk line..

If you have nothing good to say about anyone, come and sit with me..

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me..

If you can't think of anything nice to say, come sit here beside me..

If you can't say something nice about someone, come and sit right here next to me..

[Remark about Calvin Coolidge she says was erroneously attributed to her:] I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle..

... [woman suffrage] has made little difference beyond doubling the number of voters. There is no woman's vote as such. They divide up just about as ….

If YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT ANYONE..COME SIT BY ME..