I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both..

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit..

People in Washington seem as hypnotized by precedence as though they were hens with their beaks on a chalk line..

I'm the only topless octogenarian in Washington..

He sprang from the grass roots of the country clubs of America..

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me..

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development..

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches..

My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening..

My specialty is detached malevolence..

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle..

I live by three rules: I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired and scratch when I itch..

[Remark about Calvin Coolidge she says was erroneously attributed to her:] I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle..

You can't make souffle rise twice..

If you have nothing good to say about anyone, come and sit with me..

If you can't say something nice about someone, come and sit right here next to me..

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me..

I valued my independence from an early age and was always something of a individualist … Well, a show-off anyway..

If YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT ANYONE..COME SIT BY ME..

If you can't think of anything nice to say, come sit here beside me..

You can't make a souffle rise twice..