I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself..

Wouldn’t that be an incredibly stupid thing to do? To say ‘I never want to smoke again’, then spend the rest of your life saying ‘I’d love a cigarett….

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration..

I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them..

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy..

If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute ….

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so….

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off..

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish..

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vi….

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh..

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved..

You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper.….

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people..

I didn't really want to be a comedian..

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm..