Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years..

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution..

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron..

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery..

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those ….

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads..

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires..

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten..

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born..

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart..

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one..

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn..

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun..

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know..

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy..

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap..

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked..

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that..

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest..

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS..