I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself..

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer..

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night..

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us….

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it..

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers an….

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off..

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody ….

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me..

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time..

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die….

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine..

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh..

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails..

The world is full of horrible things..

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player..

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing..

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled..

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years ….

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend..