I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt..

I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've ….

It's gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I'm like, "Alright, but where'….

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance..

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice ….

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smo….

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things..

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia….

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even….

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in..

It's too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. 'Great party Arj. Bes….

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the ….

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start d….

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and ….

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be..

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing….

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a ser….

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could the….

Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where ….

From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed fri….

The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Mot….