You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it..

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so ….

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it..

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team..

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." Presi….

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?.

The best things in life aren't things..

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class..

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys..

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and ma….

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothe….

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house..

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women..

Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person i….

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life..

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big,….

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties..

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe t….

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse..

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week.