For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid..

As I always have with stand-up or anything, you kind of draw on what you're going through in your life..

I know my fan base is a smart group of people..

Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation..

At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit..

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had..

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack..

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask p….

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world..

The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay..

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice..

Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired..

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been….

I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing..

I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading..

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images..

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment..

Come on, man, I got a full beard!.

Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday..

I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all th….

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that g….