Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it..

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently..

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God….

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong..

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative..

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability..

I am a confectionery-based existentialist..

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the ….

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that..

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles….

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish..

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door..

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of….

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still..

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?".

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied ….

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?.