I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process..

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and ….

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations.".

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause….

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree..

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's lik….

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francis….

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ev….

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop..

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute..

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl lo….

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idio….

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'.

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side ….

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when….

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call th….

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, yo….

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence ….

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him a….

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual..