I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Doug….

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest..

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth cert….

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money..

What do gardeners do when they retire?.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now..

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer..

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance..

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years..

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age..

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap..

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard..

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers..

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'.