Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed..

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public..

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life..

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity..

When you have a good time there is no time..

Valuable people are undervalued..

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin..

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get….

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine….

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of pe….

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it..

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter..

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly inte….

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh y….

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself..

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day..

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love..

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood..