America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole..

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn c….

In fact, with Michael Jackson, I think those mourning people... They aren't even waking Michael, they're waking the Michael Jackson of '84. They neve….

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that's who I am..

I lost my job, well I didn't lose it, I know where it is, there's just some other guy doing it now..

The bar for being shocking doesn't even exist anymore. What am I going to do to shock people? Seriously, try to get The Fisting Musical off the groun….

Kurt (Cobain) was a fan of my standup, which was pretty weird. I know when people hear that, it's kind of like finding out that Jimi Hendrix really l….

That's human nature - we want to completely rewrite history so it can be comfortable. Without getting too profound, I'm pretty sure that's where the ….

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport..

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat..

Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought th….

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question..

In my first stand-up acts there wasn't material even. You know, I'd go on stage and cry and read a Dear John letter or gut fish on stage. I could be ….

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me..

My daughter went to the school, and it's a very, very progressive and liberal school, and my commencement speech was telling the kids just to always ….

I can't feel my face. I mean I can touch it. But I can't feel it inside..

If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off..

Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel..

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased….

Quit everything until you find something that you just cannot quit..

Stand-up was interesting to me at the beginning, because I was trying to parody it. My early stand-up was really Andy Kaufman-esque, and then I becam….