I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called….

One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: ….

When you're pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and ….

I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I'm not sure I'm goin….

Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer..

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator..

I've always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not….

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine,….

My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that ….

I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad's atheist, my mom's agnostic. Just constant fighting. There's no God! There mig….

It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure h….

I still don't really know what my style is. I like a lot of different kinds of comedy, I like watching it and I like being inventive and original. Th….

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian.….

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby... because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's fat….

I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. Tha….

I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor..

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it Lesbian or Midwestern?.

You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman..

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it's a weird thing that people keep trotting out..

I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs..

There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants..