When you're pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and ….

I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor..

I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad's atheist, my mom's agnostic. Just constant fighting. There's no God! There mig….

It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure h….

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby... because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's fat….

One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: ….

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it Lesbian or Midwestern?.

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian.….

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine,….

I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. Tha….

You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman..

I think it's creepy if a guy says, I would never hit a girl. Cause that should go without saying. That's like if you ever heard a guy go, I would nev….

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it's a weird thing that people keep trotting out..

I still don't really know what my style is. I like a lot of different kinds of comedy, I like watching it and I like being inventive and original. Th….

When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take y….

I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs..

There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants..

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession..

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting..

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish..

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift..