I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a n….

I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter!….

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you w….

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars..

I like to go on stage with a variety, with some stuff that's been around for a handful of years, some stuff from the last year, some stuff is from la….

I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want….

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combin….

As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets..

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult ….

I'm capable offstage of having some dark, twisted thoughts but the kind of things I like to do onstage are just more conceptual and I don't even thin….

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make someth….

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?.

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you wa….

I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane ….

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish..

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't ….

I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jai….

So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I….

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked th….

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not usin….

I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend some….