I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to shoot my weight..

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing..

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied..

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother..

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf..

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray..

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms..

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with….

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance..

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife..

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time..

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine..

You always nag the one you love.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off..