I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God..

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?".

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing..

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for ….

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a l….

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line….

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much..

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them..

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular..

Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle..

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show..

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn; I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Ha….

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down..

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it..

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics..

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you wou….

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty..

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart..

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing..