I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy..

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management..

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh..

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics..

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife..

That which does not kill you isn't finished..

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole..

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother..

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice..

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail..

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you..

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack..

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake..

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns..

Competition is the death of art..

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones..

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years..

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit..

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you ….