Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity..

I live my life like there's no yesterday..

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes..

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day..

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant..

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs..

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers..

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky..

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole..

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens..

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act..

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change..

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you..

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love..

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever..

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summ….

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves..

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time..

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you ….

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling..

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby..