Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a ki….

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm no….

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying..

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly..

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars..

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count….

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender..

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist..

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'..

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be….

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood..

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them..

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner..

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit..

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love..

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets..

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive..

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'..

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow….