Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 3….

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the ….

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family..

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those ki….

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!".

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." Y….

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape..

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out a….

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe..

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas..

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away..

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I….

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin..

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open yo….

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book..

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of….

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth..

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a fri….

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike..

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ….

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack,….