Explore Quotes by Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.