Explore Quotes by Dave Chappelle

I don't want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God, I hope it lands in Hartford.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

Money is the fuel for choices. Money gives me choices, so it's not nothing, it's something. But it's not the end all, be all. There are other things in my life that I did not purchase with money that are very valuable.

There's not too many people that don't think I'm crazy, for walking away from so much money. I'm at a restaurant with my wife, it's a nice restaurant, we're eating dinner. I look across the room, I say, 'You see this guy over here, across the room? He has $100 million.' And we're eating the same entree. So, OK, fine, I don't have $50 million or whatever it was, but say I have $10 million in the bank. The difference in lifestyle is miniscule.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interest in controlling you.

They do what they do for money - that's all. I don't even know why you're listening to me. I've done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can't even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.

Who goes from America to Africa for medical attention?

I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.

Listen, here it is: Technically, I never quit. I'm seven years late for work.

Things like racism are institutionalized. You might not know any bigots. You feel like "well I don't hate black people so I'm not a racist," but you benefit from racism. Just by the merit, the color of your skin. The opportunities that you have, you're privileged in ways that you might not even realize because you haven't been deprived of certain things. We need to talk about these things in order for them to change.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say "their life" I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.