The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!.

I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, s….

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country..

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediat….

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy..

I am truly passionate and concerned about the lack of empathy that people show towards one another..

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yo….

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him..

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking….

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective..

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't ….

I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with..

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't belie….

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement..

I'm very vocal about my belief that all religion is garbage. Most of my friends are religious or at least spiritual. These are people I like and I kn….

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted..

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different..

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat..

I'm concerned about how and why there is no gun control..

I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no w….

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and ….