Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks..

There just isn't enough televised Chess.

Everyday is a compromise..

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral..

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down..

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late..

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two..

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke..

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me..

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before..

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking.".

Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity..

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one ….

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne..

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing..

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television..

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal..

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was fa….

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million..

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population..

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone..