Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne..

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss..

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down..

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral..

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke..

Everyday is a compromise..

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two..

There just isn't enough televised Chess.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks..

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late..

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me..

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves..

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was fa….

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking.".

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives..

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population..

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal..

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one ….

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before..

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing..

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone..