Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch..

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless she….

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car..

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it ca….

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of….

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators..

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good..

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my ey….

There's always something funny about men chasing women..

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary..

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun..

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?".

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends..

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to post….

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops..

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute gir….

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her..

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early..

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes….

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all..