Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early..

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends ….

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to post….

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good..

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car..

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary..

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of….

There's always something funny about men chasing women..

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my ey….

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators..

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute gir….

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun..

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it ca….

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch..

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting..

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless she….

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes….

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends..

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her..