If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find..

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is..

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults..

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge..

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math..

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time..

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything..

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards..

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business..

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus..

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door..

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted..

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby..

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty..

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands..

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of ….

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize..

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way s….

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'.