Life Sucks,get a helmet.

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you….

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor..

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over….

Everyone should have an evil secret plan..

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad.

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list..

No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about..

The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't..

I have good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving….

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If ….

Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate..

I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richa….

You just can't win. Men have very recent land mines in their heads. Women have recorded conversations and photographs in their heads from 15 years ag….

If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans,….

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?.

I'm the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, the freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a ….

Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other….

What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect a….

Worrying about tomorrow is the best way to screw up today..

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER..