I never could tell a joke. I just started talking to the audience, and when the drunks would yell, "Hey, when do the broads come on?" I got good at s….

It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that..

Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive..

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one ….

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny..

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you..

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room..

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black..

Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. So….

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last..

Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I ….

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book..

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in t….

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket..

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera..

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel..

I think they [Martin Scorsese, Johnny Carson, Frank Sinatra] liked my honesty. My personality. For that, they always treated me great. I, in turn, tr….

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny..

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it..

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the gam….