Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?.

People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know, "Get high and drive a car!….

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go..

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs..

People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops ….

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies..

I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most impor….

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you s….

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it..

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom..

Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy..

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes..

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head..

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do..

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends..

I get a message from Stephen Falk saying, "Hey, if I wrote a part for you in You're The Worst, would you do it?" I was like, "Yes!" And then, of cour….

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money..

I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead b….

Fortunately, most of my friends in comedy that smoke pot are almost as open about it as I am, and in some cases more so. But most that appear, it's m….

I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at ….

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing..