The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness..

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer..

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron..

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded..

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie..

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world..

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'..

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend..

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary..

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite..

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much..

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face..

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them..

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness..

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians..

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you..

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor..

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line..

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having..

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move..

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up..