The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness..

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up..

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line..

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move..

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor..

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite..

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded..

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face..

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'..

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world..

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie..

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron..

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend..

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer..

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary..

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you..

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness..

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road..

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable..

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having..

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians..