Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating..

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging..

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work..

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do..

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself..

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's….

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy..

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar..

I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better..

Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada..

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian..

I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind b….

I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one ….

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke..

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?.

I'm down to earth; people sense that and they appreciate it..

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better..

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that m….

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medi….

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit m….