I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launche….

What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?.

I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... Why should someone put a limit on how ….

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast..

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating..

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better..

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging..

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke..

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy..

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work..

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's….

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit m….

I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind b….

I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better..

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself..

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medi….

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that m….

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do..

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian..