Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense..

An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes..

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic..

Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas..

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt..

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex..

If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey..

Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot..

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay..

Success is a matter of luck. If you want proof, ask any failure..

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking..

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills..

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings..

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves..

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten..

Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty..

He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone..

Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously..

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it..