I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fi….

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup..

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?.

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you c….

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them..

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestit….

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting th….

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even g….

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them..

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the cou….

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?.

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You h….

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... ….

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings..

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome..

Never put a sock in a toaster..

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from..

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan..

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)..

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke ….