When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door….

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him..

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote..

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them..

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand..

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead ….

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair..

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo….

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g….

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon..

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to th….

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I p….

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell..

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes..

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this..

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing..

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in..

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like..

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and….