Erma Bombeck

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.