One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with y….

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny..

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship..

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork..

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let the….

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence..

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die..

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, w….

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see t….

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height t….

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house ….

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewis….

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure..

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you….

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like ….

Try not to wake up on fire..

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?.

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a pl….

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with th….