What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing..

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar..

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a pl….

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house ….

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship..

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height t….

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny..

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure..

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see t….

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let the….

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like ….

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die..

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewis….

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you….

One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with y….

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with th….

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, w….

Try not to wake up on fire..

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork..

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence..