I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and los….

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly..

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought….

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors..

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush..

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut..

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it w….

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs….

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car..

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact..

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me..

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards..

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me..

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom..

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran..

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there..

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist..

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes..

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody..

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was a….

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support..