The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married..

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts..

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels..

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns..

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription..

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable..

Trust everybody, but cut the cards..

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts..

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual..

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here..

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy..

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better..

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's ….

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved fro….

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals..

Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while..

No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns..

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case..

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court..

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is….

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting..