When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is really startling..

What do they do in these [private] clubs, anyway? Sit around saying things like 'Thank God I'm here. No Jews! What fun! This is living, huh? Look! No….

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left wit….

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum..

Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers..

No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million..

Food is an important part of a balanced diet..

This idea that people have to love and understand each other is absurd. It's not human nature..

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era..

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you h….

There's also the idea in this country [USA], it's not wholly new, but it's new in its kind of purity, in that you have to be really smart to be reall….

If people don't hold grudges, it means they just don't care what people do..

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age,….

The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food..

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy..

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying..

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep..

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness..

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you..

I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them..

Think before you speak. Read before you think..