A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photogr….

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist..

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have tol….

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.".

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and sta….

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was..

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning o….

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three month….

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance..

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed..

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?".

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches..

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly a….

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?".

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer..

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p….

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish..

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror.".

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It kee….

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'..